On my Mind

I have to pause and take a deeeeeep breath before I start this post because there are SO many things I want to talk about and I'm going to try and limit myself. First of all, here's my tribute to my bf's 18 year old dog that passed this week:

"our baby," apparently

This is the last picture of Kirby and Jake ever taken

Kirby and I never quite had a bond. He always kinda scared me. I think he snapped/snarled at me a few too many times. But my Jakey boy loved that dog, more then any other dog. They were best buds. The second picture up above was taken just a few days before Kirby died. No matter how old or gross or sad and pathetic Kirby got, he and Jake would still cuddle just like that. Jake would always tell me to be nice to his dog. That old decrepit stinky dog was part of their family and they all loved him...and so did I. Just...from a far.

So speaking of fear...there is this girl in my poetry class this semester that I sit at the same table with, and I feel some sort of connection with her. I think it's the hair... we are the only girls in the class that have short stylish hair. But anyways, there is just something about her that reminds me of myself. As my other classmates and I were sitting in our class on Tuesday waiting for our awesome professor to finally show up, she basically announced to the class that she was pregnant. She said it in such a joking way that we didn't really know whether to believe her or not. But she was definitely telling the truth.

Today in class we were "workshopping" her poems and afterwards when she was telling us what they were about, she told us that she met her boyfriend at a night club two months ago and is now having her baby. I can't even imagine how scared I would be. I've been with Jake for almost 3 and a half years and even the idea of it still scares me. I feel for this girl and somehow want to be there for her even though I really don't know her at all. I just...can't even fathom what it would be like to see your life going in such a completely different direction then it ends up going. AND with someone you've only known for two months...it makes me want to run and hide just thinking about it!

I guess that's what I came on to blog about. Her, and life going in a different direction than you thought it was going to. Jake and I were suppose to get married this summer, and then his mom moved out of his dad's house and everything that had been building up inside him, all the insecurities about our wedding, just exploded. And NOW I have a friend who was three days passed 19 when she got married three years ago, and she's leaving her husband. Suddenly I'm extremely, extremely, grateful that I'm not getting married this summer. I'm so young, I've got time, and maybe it's really true that I'm just too young right now.

At first it hurt...who am I kidding, it still hurts and I still get upset about it sometimes. I think Jake does too, in his own way. I think we both sometimes wish that it was still happening. But at the same time, it's better that we be absolutely positively sure that we're ready to get married. It WAS hard to deal with such a drastic change of plans. I'm a planner and I don't like when the plan changes. I can imagine that this is how my classmate might feel as well. I guess I just wanted to share that I've come to an understanding with myself that no matter what happens from here on out, I will be ok. Things change all the time, my future WILL NOT be how I expect it to be. But I'm hoping and betting that it will be better.

Distractions

So, since I'm on blogspot and completely distracted from homework anyways, I thought I'd post.

I am probably the worst procrastinator in the world, and this semester has been the worst for it. First of all, I never do well with Spring semester. Mostly it's because I just want it to be summer and I'm just so sick of school...it's not really something I enjoy and I can't wait for it to be over. Second of all, next semester is my LAST semester of school (woo hoo!) so it's getting harder and harder to care. I've had more late assignments this semester than in probably my whole life.

It's hard to get motivated when I feel this way all the time. I really hate it, but I'm not sure what to do about it. Give myself treats if I finish something on time? haha. Anyways, I just wanted to share that with you guys.
I AM super excited for today, though. I love/hate Tuesdays because I have class in the morning and then a good 4-5 hour break before my four hour long night class (I know I know, I'm seriously crazy). I hate that I have a four hour long night class, but I LOVE my four to five hour break. Most of the time I don't have much homework so it gives me time to do some things just for myself. Today I plan on doing some cleaning, going tanning (I know I know...it's bad for me but I can't help but love it, especially when it's gross and rainy like today), and I might even have some time for some "personal reading" instead of these silly school books.

ok, back to that 7 page paper due at Noon....

A Penny for your Thoughts

So, "today" was Easter. It was a great and lovely easter, but it was also a very strange one.

I spent the day with the boys family. I went to church at Substance Church in roseville with Jake, his dad, and his little sister Genna. I had a great time in the service, and afterwards we took "family pictures" because, well, I'm a little bit of a picture freak. I love pictures. We were taking pictures of each other and then our friend Caleb came outside and Jake called out to him and asked him to take a picture of the four of us. It was either Caleb or his brother that was like... "aww, family."

Ya know...when he said it I got that "warm fuzzy feeling" inside because I LOVE the Villavicencio's. They ARE my family. And today I realized that I'm closer to them than I am to my own family. Like WAY closer. I don't know if this is normal, but I feel like it's not quite normal. Usually both people get close to each others families, but Jake and my family don't mix so well and I mix like rice and mango's with Jake's family. We go together, ya know? Anyways. It was a strange easter #1 because I worked, and I don't think I've ever worked on Easter before, and #2 because... I literally didn't talk to ONE single member of my OWN family.

I texted my mom from Jake's phone but I don't know if she even got the text. It makes me a little sad when I reflect on it, but to be honest I completely enjoyed not having to split the holiday between our two families and JUST going to his families stuff. I feel... I don't know. I don't know how I feel. I almost feel like it's sad, but it's natural? All I know is that I love these people: (plus a few, but these are the three people I see all the time. I honestly feel like I'm their sister, daughter, and other half).

But if I have not love, I am NOTHING

1 Corinthians 13: 1-8

“If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging symbol. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysterious and knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I posses to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rued, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.”

But if I have not love, I am nothing. I think people need to remember that sometimes…

I do NOT like seeing my best friends hurting. It makes me angry….

I feel like this is the case for me a lot. When other people are puddles on the floor I feel like punching someone. Granted, I CAN be the puddle on the floor sometimes, but…right now I’m just angry. I feel like I have so much love in my heart, but when others whom I love are hurting, it just makes my blood boil. Love is supposed to be “not self-seeking” and I despise that people are hurting one another out of selfishness. I feel like everywhere I turn things are being ripped to shreds by selfish people. I know we’re all humans and we can all be selfish, but right now I just want to scream and throw things.

Then I look at the man I’m sitting next to, and my spirit calms down a little. It gives me such great comfort to know we feel the same way about life, and that we will always be doing this thing together. He reminds me of how much God loves me…because if I can feel so strongly about a human being, my mind can’t even begin to paint the picture for itself of what God’s love is like. It’s a little scary, for some reason, but it also gives me so much comfort.

<3's

Precious

It's so amazing to be able to watch my cousin become a mother for the first time, through her pictures and status' on facebook. I know "facebook?! really..." But, if it weren't for facebook I wouldn't be able to look at pictures of baby Nadia as much as I do. And I LOVE seeing pictures of the males in my cousin Jenna's family with the baby. It's so wonderful, and it makes me sooo excited for when it's Jake or my brothers and sisters with a little one.

this is my cousin Nick, he's Nadia's uncle ^

Her daddy. ^

There is only one word for it all...and that's precious.



Long Distance Pain

I seriously don't even know how to begin this post. There are so many things to be said for how difficult a long distance relationship can be. Jake and I had been together for a little over a year when he was deployed to Basra, Iraq for a year (starting in March 2009). He was gone from March 2009 to January 2010, and was only home for 19 or 20 some odd days during that whole time. That year was one of the hardest years of my life, and it was also one in which I grew the most. The next year, the year since he's been home, has been the hardest year of my life. Things are finally looking up, and we are in our fourth year of our relationship now...but I can't even begin to describe to you how much heart wrenching pain the two of us have been through the past two years.

Our long distance relationship is the most extremely difficult thing I've ever experienced. Not only are long distance relationships in and of themselves something that is hard to go through, but it was made 90 times worse by the fact that he was away at war, living in one of the most dangerous bases in Iraq (since it was near an airport, it was constantly being bombed). Just thinking about the whole experience makes my throat constrict and my heart start to race.

Part of the reason I'm thinking about this is because throughout this whole experience Jake and I made two very close and lovely friends, Melissa and Jeremiah. Jeremiah and Jake lived together for a short time when they were in Iraq and they are in the same unit in the Army. Melissa is Jeremiah's girlfriend...she actually met Jeremiah while he was on his two week leave during the year he was in Iraq...which is amazing to me. I don't think I would have started going out with Jake if I knew he was going back to war two weeks after I had met him. I salute her and think she's braver than I am. Anyways...when they came home it was amazing to have two friends that were going through similar things that we were...it's still awesome to be able to talk to Melissa about everything. She gets it on a different level than my other girlfriends...

ANYWAYS...sorry, long spiel. The REASON they are important in this blog is because Jeremiah is in Germany with 50 or 60 other guys from Jake's unit right now. They are only there for a few weeks, but it still brings back so many memories. Jake was suppose to be with them right now...but they cut down on their numbers and all the guys in Jake's "team" or whatever it's called got cut from the trip. Seeing Jeremiah and Melissa's comments on facebook...Melissa saying how much she misses him, and him talking about how it's hard to contact those back home because internet is not good and phones are expensive...it all just brings me back.

I was also looking at my old blog...most of my posts are from when he was away, and they are soooo sad, and they put me right back to those old feelings and it almost makes me want to cry just thinking it.

I guess those feelings are part of why I want to go with Jake next year when he goes to the middle east as a Civilian instead of a soldier. I look back at all those feelings and all the hurt I experienced and I JUST CAN'T imagine going through it all again. Jake is literally my other half...or maybe my other 75 percent. Haha. I grew a lot when I was independent from him, that's true. But I DO NOT want to grow independent from him. I know those of you who are married might know what I'm talking about...I just want to grow together. Some people don't get this, but...even though Jake and I aren't engaged anymore (that's another painful story I'd rather not talk about today), I still love him more than I even understand. I would rather go without ALL of my friends and family for a year (except for maybe Amber, who might be coming with us), than go without him.

There are obviously a lot of other reasons I want to go. I think it will be a good life experience, the money is amazing, and I just want to get away after I graduate. I want to travel the world, and this is an opportunity to do so AND make some money at the same time. I'm EXCITED about it...I can't wait to see what it was he went through last year and to truly understand. I don't think other people get this...but just imagine that there is a HUGE part of your husband/fiance/boyfriend/significant other that you can't even fathom or comprehend in any way.Wouldn't you want to learn about it?

I still want to get married to Jake. I love Jake. He is literally my soul mate...I think after what we've been through, especially since Setpember/October of last fall, I've truly discovered this. I see going to Iraq or Afghanistan as the best step for our relationship...and our life together. I'm excited, as well, that I might be able to live with my old roomate, my Amber. It's going to be hard if she doesn't come, since Jake and I might end up on opposite ends of a base (and bases can be huge) do to our differences in jobs. So anyways, I just wanted to share some of my thoughts on the subject, especially since I know most people don't understand why I want to go with him so badly.

Me and Jake (trust me, I know how crazy I look)

Jake and Jeremiah

Melissa, Me, and Jake at their "training" they had to do when they got home from Iraq

Melissa and I at the Christmas ball this past winter. =]

<3 Vic

Will You Love Me When I Look Like "This"?

I have the funniest memory of me and my best friend when we were in high school...we were at a girls youth group sleepover and we were being SO goofy. I just remember walking with my butt stick out and flapping my arms and saying "Will you love me when I look like THIS?!" in a very goofy voice RIGHT when my "boyfriend" at the time's mother walked by...she looked at me like I was crazy, and Lauren and I just started laughing soooo hard.

We use to do that all the time. If our hair looked funny or we made a funny face or were talking in a funny way, we would ask each other if you would still love me if I did this or looked like this. Every time  we did it we were being funny, but there's a small truth to it...when people change or become different, they are afraid they won't be loved anymore.

Last night Jake was showing his dad videos and pictures of the truck he wants to get when we come home from Afghanistan, and telling his dad how much it was going to cost. His dad asked him how he'd be able to afford that, and I said "When we get back from the Middle East! He'll have plenty of money" and his dad was like "you're going to get a house, a car, and pay off all your debt?" We assured him that yes, we'd be able to get all that with the money we'll be earning over there. Then his dad said "well...you still gotta come back home and in one piece." I went over to Jake and kissed his cheek and said "yeah, you gotta come back and in one piece" to which he said "you wouldn't love me anymore if I lost an arm?"

It brings me back to "would you love me if I looked like this?" I say with confidence that I will still love Jake if he looses an arm or a leg or both or all! It's not his body I'm in love with, it's his personality and his spirit. I know it wouldn't be easy if either of us was injured like that, but I know that through everything we've experienced our love has been strengthened..and that I will love him "when he looks like this." That's an amazing feeling, to know I will love and be loved no matter what I look like or what the other person looks like. I'm glad that I am not a vain person that can't be friends with people who "aren't attractive," I'm glad that I can love people for who they are. It's a very special gift, and I know that it is because of Jesus that I'm capable of this, and all of that makes me smile.

=]

Love (smile),
Victoria

Excited for the Future

I am SO excited for my future. I'm excited about many things, but right now I'm excited about getting new vehicles.  My mom decided this week that she is going to buy her best friends old motorcycle. It's a Honda 900 somethin somethin, which is a HUGE bike, apparently. Here she is on the bike:

I say "old" as a very lucrative term, I'm really very unsure of how old it is. But it is a HUGE bike and I'm a bit worried for her safety...especially because she's small, not very strong, and she has a bad back. All that aside, I'm very excited for her. Ever since my family took a vacation and went through the Black Hills during a motorcyle expo of sorts, my mom and I have been OBSESSED with getting motorcyles. And that was a LONG time ago.

Anyways, all of this has got me thinking about my plans. I've been seriously thinking about getting a motorcyle of my own, ever since I was telling my coworker that after Jake and I get back from Afghanistan I want to buy a motorcyle and he told me I could probably find a good starter bike for $700. My mother inspired me to do some research today, and I found that $700 is a BIT ridiculous. However, I'm EXTREMELY excited and obsessed with the kind of bike that I want now. It's a Kawasaki Ninja 250 (I don't get a lot of motorcyle lingo yet, but I know that 250 is pretty small for a motorcyle). Here's the bike in the color that I would love to have:

Isn't it beautiful?

During all this research I decided to do some research about cars too, because I've been thinking about selling my 2006 Saturn Ion and getting a cheaper SUV of some sort...this summer. So, I did some research on what I might be able to get for my car, and what I might be able to aford after selling my car.

Ok, so here is my car:

(yes...this was when Jake spun out and got stuck in the ditch a little bit. It's the only picture I currently have on my computer)
And here's the car I want to get when I sell the Ion:

It's a Jeep Cherokee Laredo. Pretty cheap and nice SUV. And Jake likes it...for me. Having Jake like my car is very important. I bought my Saturn when he was in Iraq for a year...and he whines about it all the time. He looooves cars, with a passion, and loves to work on them. And he doesn't enjoy my car at all. So I knew when I got a "new" car I would bring him with me and get his approval before I bought anything.

I'm very excited thinking about what I might be able to accomplish this summer. My car has some damage on it that, to be able to get a good price on it, I would have to fix. It stinks because ALL of the damage is completely not my fault. It's right side panel is completely busted out in the front from my aunt who has a blind eye, and her husband was the car's owner before me when she crashed it. There are also two huge scratches on the hood that are most likely from a trailer hitch of a big truck that backed unto the hood and backed off of the hood while I was parked at work, and they didn't leave me any of their information.

Anyways, depending on how much I can get for my car I might be able to get an SUV and a motorcycle this summer. It alllll depends on how much I save and how much I decide I want to pay my uncle for my current car (which I bought from him). If I decide I'm just going to get my car and bike and give him whatever is left, I might not have much to give him. This is actually ok because right now I only pay him about $50 a month and he's fine with that. It WOULD be nice to pay him off, but I know I will be able to do that eventually. Probably not until Jake and I come back home from the middle east (which is an entirely different part of my future that I am very excited about).

I just wanted to share some of my dreams with you...this is something I'm thinking about right now, and that Jake and I have been talking and discussing for the last...two hours maybe? He loves to talk about cars.

Speaking of cars, here's the "car" Jake wants to get when we get back from our trip to the desert:

It's a Ford Raptur (sp? It's raptur like a dinosaur). Beautiful.
And on that note, thanks for "listening" to my hopes and dreams.
<3's

"To DONE List"

Good afternoon, lovely internet world. Thanks for being a completely needed distraction...today, and every day (even those days where you really AREN'T needed).

Ok, so I am one of those people that makes lists. I LOVE lists. Just ask my boy, Jake, or his sisters or pretty much any of my relatives. I believe I get it from my mom, but also my dad's sister and my dad's mom love to make lists. Apparently I pretty much get the love of lists from all-around. Anyways, I have a whole book of to-do lists and usually I label them just that: "to-do." Recently I saw a commercial or a video that made a joke about "To DONE" lists. I don't have the faintest idea what the commercial was about, but I loved the idea of having a "to done" list.

When I make a list, I like to make little boxes so I can put a check mark in them when I've completed a task. I know, I know...what a nerd. But I do love to do that. Often times, when I look back at my lists, I'll realize that I have lots of unchecked boxes. However, it feels SO good to look back and see a list with all the boxes checked, OR to be able to check multiple things off a list. That's why I like the idea of a "to DONE" list because it means I got all of these things done. Look what I accomplished today! Right now, my "to done" list really isn't a "to done" list, it's DEFINITELY a "To DO" list. This makes me sad, but it's seriously so hard to get motivated for school right now.

I feel like this is the case every spring, but especially this year. I'm technically a senior, even though I have one more semester, and this is my LAST spring semester. Sadly, I just want it to be over already. I don't want to have to worry about homework or what's due when. I just want to be able to enjoy my day and make to-do lists that have NOTHING to do with homework. I'm sure there are many people out there that can relate to this. I guess I'm just ready to be done with this phase in my life...even if I do go back to school someday.

Now, I know what you're thinking...I'm only 20, what's my rush? But...I've never been one of those people who enjoys school. I enjoy writing and reading, but I don't really like to be told WHAT to write and read. I laugh when I say that, because, well...what the heck did I think I was going to be doing for the rest of my life when I decided to make a career out of writing?! But like I said, I'm just ready for this phase in my life to be over...I'm ready to move on and get told what to write somewhere else. Haha. No really...I am excited to be told what to write or edit outside of school. I guess I'm sick of writing about the works of dead people. I'm ready for the new!

Bring it on!

Inspirations

So, I wanted to write this post the other day and then school distracted me. How dare that darn school! I wanted to write the post because it was sunny and warm outside and it made me feel inspired...inspired to actually do my school work and to get exercise and to see my friends. Thankfully, the sun is still shining today so I still feel that same inspiration...although it's a bit colder than the other day when I wanted to post.

It was FREEZING this morning when I brought my dear friend to the University of Minnesota campus so that she could take her GRE. It was kind of fun driving around the U...even though Amber was freaking out the whole time because we couldn't find the building she needed. I always think it's an adventure and a fun time to go to a new place that I'm unfamiliar with and just explore it. I did this with my best friend,Lauren, the other day in downtown minneapolis (looking for our mutual love, Panera, of course!) and it was just so exciting and so much fun! I've come to love the unfamiliar.

Anyways, we left Amber's apartment at 6:45 this morning, and all the windows of my car were frosted. I have a feeling this means that snow is coming-- that and the fact that I heard a rumor on the news-- and this makes me sad.The sunshine and the sunny, warm days make me want to get up and start doing things...no matter what it is that I'm doing. But snow and cold just makes me want to sit in my dungeon -of -a -basement bedroom and curl up in a ball in front of my little-heater-that-could and underneath my thick and delightful blankets. I'm ready for the weather to be solid warmth, so I can wear capri's and shorts and tank tops (without sweaters) and DRESSES! I'm so excited to wear dresses and go swing dancing and go to the beach and sun bathe.

I love summer...it's the best time of the year. Now, if only I could get the weather to be inspired to stay warm...