On my Mind

I have to pause and take a deeeeeep breath before I start this post because there are SO many things I want to talk about and I'm going to try and limit myself. First of all, here's my tribute to my bf's 18 year old dog that passed this week:

"our baby," apparently

This is the last picture of Kirby and Jake ever taken

Kirby and I never quite had a bond. He always kinda scared me. I think he snapped/snarled at me a few too many times. But my Jakey boy loved that dog, more then any other dog. They were best buds. The second picture up above was taken just a few days before Kirby died. No matter how old or gross or sad and pathetic Kirby got, he and Jake would still cuddle just like that. Jake would always tell me to be nice to his dog. That old decrepit stinky dog was part of their family and they all loved him...and so did I. Just...from a far.

So speaking of fear...there is this girl in my poetry class this semester that I sit at the same table with, and I feel some sort of connection with her. I think it's the hair... we are the only girls in the class that have short stylish hair. But anyways, there is just something about her that reminds me of myself. As my other classmates and I were sitting in our class on Tuesday waiting for our awesome professor to finally show up, she basically announced to the class that she was pregnant. She said it in such a joking way that we didn't really know whether to believe her or not. But she was definitely telling the truth.

Today in class we were "workshopping" her poems and afterwards when she was telling us what they were about, she told us that she met her boyfriend at a night club two months ago and is now having her baby. I can't even imagine how scared I would be. I've been with Jake for almost 3 and a half years and even the idea of it still scares me. I feel for this girl and somehow want to be there for her even though I really don't know her at all. I just...can't even fathom what it would be like to see your life going in such a completely different direction then it ends up going. AND with someone you've only known for two months...it makes me want to run and hide just thinking about it!

I guess that's what I came on to blog about. Her, and life going in a different direction than you thought it was going to. Jake and I were suppose to get married this summer, and then his mom moved out of his dad's house and everything that had been building up inside him, all the insecurities about our wedding, just exploded. And NOW I have a friend who was three days passed 19 when she got married three years ago, and she's leaving her husband. Suddenly I'm extremely, extremely, grateful that I'm not getting married this summer. I'm so young, I've got time, and maybe it's really true that I'm just too young right now.

At first it hurt...who am I kidding, it still hurts and I still get upset about it sometimes. I think Jake does too, in his own way. I think we both sometimes wish that it was still happening. But at the same time, it's better that we be absolutely positively sure that we're ready to get married. It WAS hard to deal with such a drastic change of plans. I'm a planner and I don't like when the plan changes. I can imagine that this is how my classmate might feel as well. I guess I just wanted to share that I've come to an understanding with myself that no matter what happens from here on out, I will be ok. Things change all the time, my future WILL NOT be how I expect it to be. But I'm hoping and betting that it will be better.