Long Distance Pain

I seriously don't even know how to begin this post. There are so many things to be said for how difficult a long distance relationship can be. Jake and I had been together for a little over a year when he was deployed to Basra, Iraq for a year (starting in March 2009). He was gone from March 2009 to January 2010, and was only home for 19 or 20 some odd days during that whole time. That year was one of the hardest years of my life, and it was also one in which I grew the most. The next year, the year since he's been home, has been the hardest year of my life. Things are finally looking up, and we are in our fourth year of our relationship now...but I can't even begin to describe to you how much heart wrenching pain the two of us have been through the past two years.

Our long distance relationship is the most extremely difficult thing I've ever experienced. Not only are long distance relationships in and of themselves something that is hard to go through, but it was made 90 times worse by the fact that he was away at war, living in one of the most dangerous bases in Iraq (since it was near an airport, it was constantly being bombed). Just thinking about the whole experience makes my throat constrict and my heart start to race.

Part of the reason I'm thinking about this is because throughout this whole experience Jake and I made two very close and lovely friends, Melissa and Jeremiah. Jeremiah and Jake lived together for a short time when they were in Iraq and they are in the same unit in the Army. Melissa is Jeremiah's girlfriend...she actually met Jeremiah while he was on his two week leave during the year he was in Iraq...which is amazing to me. I don't think I would have started going out with Jake if I knew he was going back to war two weeks after I had met him. I salute her and think she's braver than I am. Anyways...when they came home it was amazing to have two friends that were going through similar things that we were...it's still awesome to be able to talk to Melissa about everything. She gets it on a different level than my other girlfriends...

ANYWAYS...sorry, long spiel. The REASON they are important in this blog is because Jeremiah is in Germany with 50 or 60 other guys from Jake's unit right now. They are only there for a few weeks, but it still brings back so many memories. Jake was suppose to be with them right now...but they cut down on their numbers and all the guys in Jake's "team" or whatever it's called got cut from the trip. Seeing Jeremiah and Melissa's comments on facebook...Melissa saying how much she misses him, and him talking about how it's hard to contact those back home because internet is not good and phones are expensive...it all just brings me back.

I was also looking at my old blog...most of my posts are from when he was away, and they are soooo sad, and they put me right back to those old feelings and it almost makes me want to cry just thinking it.

I guess those feelings are part of why I want to go with Jake next year when he goes to the middle east as a Civilian instead of a soldier. I look back at all those feelings and all the hurt I experienced and I JUST CAN'T imagine going through it all again. Jake is literally my other half...or maybe my other 75 percent. Haha. I grew a lot when I was independent from him, that's true. But I DO NOT want to grow independent from him. I know those of you who are married might know what I'm talking about...I just want to grow together. Some people don't get this, but...even though Jake and I aren't engaged anymore (that's another painful story I'd rather not talk about today), I still love him more than I even understand. I would rather go without ALL of my friends and family for a year (except for maybe Amber, who might be coming with us), than go without him.

There are obviously a lot of other reasons I want to go. I think it will be a good life experience, the money is amazing, and I just want to get away after I graduate. I want to travel the world, and this is an opportunity to do so AND make some money at the same time. I'm EXCITED about it...I can't wait to see what it was he went through last year and to truly understand. I don't think other people get this...but just imagine that there is a HUGE part of your husband/fiance/boyfriend/significant other that you can't even fathom or comprehend in any way.Wouldn't you want to learn about it?

I still want to get married to Jake. I love Jake. He is literally my soul mate...I think after what we've been through, especially since Setpember/October of last fall, I've truly discovered this. I see going to Iraq or Afghanistan as the best step for our relationship...and our life together. I'm excited, as well, that I might be able to live with my old roomate, my Amber. It's going to be hard if she doesn't come, since Jake and I might end up on opposite ends of a base (and bases can be huge) do to our differences in jobs. So anyways, I just wanted to share some of my thoughts on the subject, especially since I know most people don't understand why I want to go with him so badly.

Me and Jake (trust me, I know how crazy I look)

Jake and Jeremiah

Melissa, Me, and Jake at their "training" they had to do when they got home from Iraq

Melissa and I at the Christmas ball this past winter. =]

<3 Vic